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Saturday, March 24, 2012

KKGSR Dabba Service - A Stupendous Success


An ODE to Mumbai Dabbawalas
Trust ingenious Mumbaikars to run an organization as old as India, with Sig Sixma Certified perfection and efficiency. The organization is none other than the revered and honored Mumbai Dabbawalas Organization 
http://mumbaidabbawala.org/

An uncommon story of a common man.
Khushi was terribly inspired by the Mumbai Dabbawalas. She decided to open a branch office in New. Delhi. The business became an instant success, with thousands of Dabba's delivered to offices across Delhi.
 
She was so successful Prince Charles himself sent her congratulatory note on expanding the organization's reach to Delhi and personally enquired about the possibility of her starting a unit in U.K.

UGGHHH WRONG PICTURE...


Her business became a Harvard case study on corporate expansion. Even the Japanese wanted to meet KKGSR to understand how she took the idea from one metro city and replicated it successfully to another metro city in the complex yet fundamentally different ethos of Delhi from Mumbai. 

KKGSR Dabba Service made waves across the country.
 
Anna Hazare On Khushi's Business
Khushiji has shown how to run an honest business. She is a true Indian, an anti-corrupt business woman (except that one time she hid the truth from Raizada's about Shyam)



Baba Ramdev speaking at Annual Yogic Convention Themed "SAY NO TO GAS"
He cited Khushi as the best Satvik Food Maker of the century. KKGS Dabba Service prepared food that complied with his yogic principles, Baba was heard saying, "See, Learn, Khushiji has laid the ideal ground for a healthy Delhi. Delhiites, no more Ghee on your Rotis, cream in your Dal Makhnis, or Tandoori Chicken. Simple, eat salad. Say no to gas"


Poor Delhiites had no idea what hit them. Was it a UFO or a meteorite?

And unbeknownst to rest of Delhi, KKGSR Dabba Service had one Very Very Very Very Satisfied Customer.....The Coming of Mighty ASR!!
video


Friday, March 23, 2012

Khushi's REVENGE - ASR's Seduction: Its a Game Two Can Play


Disclaimer 1 – I don't do hot scenes any justice. It’s the truth. No, no, I am not fishing for compliments. However, here is my second attempt (first being Arnav's gift). If you really want to knock your pants off, no literally, read Passions Avenue by HeadOverHeels, or Munchy’s Blog or Whispered Monologues by TeleFan. They do it much better.
Disclaimer 2 – I am at my wits end because the episodes are not inspiring me to write much. I like to pick scenes from the actual show and give it a seduction series spin. But I can’t quiet write a seduction scene about the canteen, right? Perhaps, I could. Hmmm.
Disclaimer 3 – Please don't tell me the last paragraph smacked of cliche. I know it is cliche. But it felt right to me and I wrote it. For the record, I don't condone or condemn virginity. 

Oh just read it already, and be kind with your comments.

A soft moan, a silent whimper escaped her. She couldn’t take the mix of pain and pleasure anymore.  She felt a tingle run up her arms and settle on the nape of her neck when he picked her fingers one at a time, put them in his warm moist mouth, sucked on them like they were nothing short of a delicious Popsicle. He repeated the action with her other fingers, each time savoring them with lush strokes of his tongue. She felt odd sensations having her finger sucked by him. “These fingers have magic in them Khushi”, he whispered between his ministrations, “They are delicious just like the food they make”, he continued. “Mmmm, Arnavji, it tickles”, she mumbled amidst her agony, squirming her shoulders as goose bumps settled on the arm with the fingers receiving his special attention. “Stop, please, before I die”, she pleaded. He did not relent, making sure every last finger of both hands were relished by his eager mouth.

Then just as suddenly, his strong arms held her wrists down, stretching her arms on either side. His stubbles tickled her ear as he sunk his nose into her thick hair, taking long deep breaths to inhale in her fragrance. His yearning body descended upon her, sinking her lower into the mattress under his sheer muscular weight. He peppered feather kisses along her left temple, following an excruciatingly slow and deliberate path along her hair line towards the other side of her face. It was a drug, an addictive narcotic, pulling her deeper into its web and she felt helpless, half asleep, and half awake under its influence. She struggled to peel her eyes open, caressing his cheeks with her long lustrous lashes in the process, causing him to shudder at that mere touch. She noticed his Adam ’s apple straining up and down as he swallowed hard and she felt an irresistible urge to kiss it. She licked it once with her tiny pink tongue.

He stopped his trail of kisses at the unexpected display of courage. He lifted his face over her, hovering millimeters away from hers, their breaths intermingling and warming each other’s faces, their smells becoming a combined symphony and their skins shining with a light sheen of perspiration, all the elements intermixing into a heady cocktail of lust. He looked at her, his eyes blazing raw passion and declaring their intent to continue this lustful journey.  He smiled and scooped down forcefully to claim her lips with a practiced authority. She in turn responded by opening her mouth, receiving him, matching his eagerness, and inviting him in with a desperate need of her own. “Mmmm”, he groaned with satisfaction at her openness. His tongue sought hers, as their lips and saliva greeted each other with joy. He traced his large hands down, finally reaching between her thighs, parting her legs, which offered little resistance. His fingers grazed over her curls, exploring, discovering and finally caressing her sensitive sweet spot.

“Aaah”, she cried in pure delight, a signal that it was a welcome gesture. He continued his torment, while deepening his kiss, his tongue mimicking a silent rhythm that his manhood screamed to follow. She arched her back to press herself against him and he obliged by circling his arm under her and roughly pulling her closer to him with nothing separating them but their inflamed skins. His need pressed harder into her belly and she instantly acknowledged it by rocking her belly against him. “Aaarnav,ohhhh”, she moaned yet again in between their kisses.

He broke their lip lock and dipped his head further, blazing a trail of kisses down the center of her body, and she began writhing in anticipation of what she thought was about to happen. Then, a tentative flick of his tongue and a first taste from him sent her screaming in pure frenzy.  “ Arnav please!” came the breathy approval, enough for him to begin his sweet assault on her, one that started from her center and fanned out like wildfire.  She screamed, she moaned, and she screamed some more.

Words tumbled out of her, of their own volition, asking him to go on forever and never stop. She whimpered and ached louder as she beat her head wildly side to side, sinking under the overwhelming sensations that threatened to push her over the edge of sanity. “Mmmm Khushi, you taste so sweet”, she heard him gasp. “Aah! Aapko meetha khana mana hai”, she countered as a matter of habit. His body shook with laughter but he was not about to stop. She thought she would explode with the odd new sensations welling inside her, ready to break the dam and flood her with fulfillment.

Her entire body began to shake uncontrollably, convulsively, helpless and possessed by forces unseen. Suddenly, she felt her shoulders gripped by vices, shaking her hard and beckoning her to wake up. A distant sound called her, getting louder by the moment….Khushiiii, Khushiiiii
“KHUSHIIII, KHUSHIIIII! Are you ok? Can you hear me? WAKE UP, KHUSHIIIIII, WAKE UP!!!”, ASR was shaking her by the shoulders.
She opened her eyes and looked blankly at him.
“Khushi, are you ok? Are you having a nightmare? You were shaking uncontrollably”, he asked.
Still in a trance, she blinked a few times, taking time to bring her back and take stock of what just happened. He was leaning over her, gripping her shoulders, genuine concern writ all over his face. She breathed in and exhaled.
“Khushi?”
“I am ok Arnavji, you can let go of my shoulders”, she composed herself.
He looked a bit surprised and recoiled at her sudden colness, “I, I thought you were having some sort of an episode”.
“I was”, she replied, pulling herself away from her dream of almost complete seduction and yet, still feeling the very real throbbing between her legs.
“Oh! OK. Do you want me to…”, he paused, unsure of the right platitude he could offer to calm her. She raised herself on her elbows, and scooted into a sitting position resting her back on the headboard.
“I will be fine Arnav ji, please don't worry about me, you can go back to sleep”, she said in a small voice, feeling guilty of her unexpected forage into a wet dream.

“Alright”, he stood up, “Call me if you need anything”. She could not meet his eyes for she was shrinking with embarrassment and guilt. She averted her gaze and spoke a bit too sternly than was needed, “I will be quite alright, thanks”.

He clearly picked up the dismissal and headed back to his poolside makeshift bed. Once safe, she shook her head in disapproval and a suppressed giggle left her. “Oh! My word! Did I just..oh no…hey Devi Maiyya! What a sordid dream! What’s happening to me?” she half smiled and half fretted over this new development of emotions in her. Here she was, all out to seduce the mighty ASR and instead, she ended up getting herself almost seduced, in a dream of course, but seduced nevertheless. She was a deep sleeper, but had never slept through anything like this before. She darted down under covers to hide herself from the silhouetted man stretching languidly by the pool, seemingly lost in his own dream. She shut her eyes tight.

ASR stared up the skies with a wicked smile on his face. He had gotten his first taste of her and good heaven’s she tasted sweeter than the Jalebi syrup she so loved. It was probably not right to do this to her, fully knowing that she slept like a log and a bomb blast couldn’t wake her from her cherished sleep. He could not help the sight of his nubile, sleeping wife, who had hours earlier signed the conjugal contract in a fit of fury and then had gone right ahead and breached it by pushing him out of the room. He had only wanted to find out if she felt anything for him and her response gave him all the assurance he could ever want. But he had to stop from going all the way with her, when she started shaking violently, almost scaring him that he might have pushed it too much, too soon for her. Judging by her reaction, he would have to take it very slow with her. She was an innocent, it was evident, and he felt an unprecedented pride at the knowledge that he would be the first one, perhaps the only one, to find out her intimate details, her little secrets, her quirks in bed and have the honor of teaching her the art of making love. His chest puffed with pride.

And then it happened….the first stab of guilt and pain at what he had done to her. But he wanted this with her, it had to happen, it felt so right. In that case, he assured himself, it will all happen in good time. The terrace was calm, the pool was calmer and the promise of a better scene tomorrow descended over Raizada Mansion.

-THE END??? You tell me.

And then it happened to you… The bedroom scene flashed through your mind, once more rearing its ugly head, and reminding you of your running obsession with ASR and all things IPKKND, your forgotten duty to your family and friends since June 6th, 2011, and your revenge on CVs for giving shitty tracks. And ya’ll collectively screamed, “Yes, Yes, Oh, Yes, We want MORE”. Presumptuous Me!

Nimboo Achar & MissUnderstandings go on a Date


Nimboo - Hey Babes, whats up?
MinorMissUnderstanding(MMU1) - OMG OMG OMG, I am so happy, my twin is visiting me on April 5th
Nimboo - like seriously? There are two of you?
MMU1 -Yes Nimbs, there are two of us. Identical too. I am so excited to see her.
Nimboo -Two MMUs? This just got more interesting. Can I meet her?
MMU1 - Of course you can! She'd be delighted to meet you. We should go on a group date or something.
Nimboo ( a bit disappointed, he had a threesome in mind) - Does she have a BF?
MMU1 -Not sure, we haven't really talked about it. Btw, is you handsome cousin Achar still on the market?
Nimboo -Achar? You mean that jarhead? Yes, he is free as a bird.
MMU1 -Do you think we can set the two of them on a date?
Nimboo -Sure, we can try
April 5thth, MajorMissUnderstanding (MMU2) arrives from Hawaii and the identical twins are ecstatic to see each other.
The next day on April 6th,  Nimboo, Achar, MMU1 and MMU2 go on a group date.
Achar -I heard you just got back from Hawaii, how is the surf this time of year?
MMU2 -oh, it was awesome. But when I got MMU1's text that she really could use my help here to back her up at Raizada's I could not refuse.
Achar -How long do you plan to be in town?
MMU2 -oh! it really depends on the CVS, you know. I could be done tomorrow during the MahaEpisode on April 7th and go home next week or I may have an extended stay of 6 months. It really depends on MMU1's boss.
Nimboo -How are the Raizada's as employers?
MMU1 and MMU2 both speak together
MMU12 -we only deal with ASR, he is brilliant! We really owe it to him for keeping us gainfully employed. And he really listens to our ideas.

MMU2 -Tell them about the terrace scene project you did MMU1.
MMU1 -oh yeah. This one time ASR was on the terrace and I launched my maiden project on him. The terrace scene was so effective; ASR gave me the contract for next 6 months.
Nimboo -your contract ends in 6 months?
MMU1 -oh god! Don't remind me of my future unemployment. I may have to ask Anjali to hire me once ASR is done with my work.
MMU2- But She will be a piece of cake for you sis!
Achar -Wont you stay back to help your sister?
MMU2 ' Again, it depends. Anjali is not my expertise. I may have to bring in our cousin NoMoreUnderstanding. She is an expert at destroying any limited understanding left among Raizada's.

Nimboo -how about CompleteUnderstanding?
MMU1 -oh! That almost never happens. And we don't call her until the very last episode.
MMU2 - Besides, I don't like her, she kind of ruins our projects.

Nimboo and Achar take a short break to the boys rest room.
Nimboo ' Looks like a family of Understanding hotties
Achar ' yeah, we need to seriously get ourselves lucky.
Back at the bar.
MMU1 - O EM GEE! MMU2 here just had an idea. You know you should come over to RM on MahaEpisode.
MMU2 -Yes, seriously, think about it.
Nimboo and Achar look at each other.
MMU1  - Yeah, and if things go really bad, we will have everyone suck at you two for instant amnesia.
With a proposition like that Nimboo Achar could hardly refuse!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Khushi's REVENGE - ASR's Seduction Day Five


Khushi fished out the battery operated scorpion from her Jhola. She had found it lying in the far corner of the pool garden and had picked it up with amusement. Why would anyone have a battery operated scorpion toy in RM? There were no kids here to play with it. Then she had an idea. 

She summoned HP to bring fresh batteries and replaced the dead ones and tested the toy. The little scorpion whirred to life, moving helter skelter, bumping into furniture legs and changing direction every time it did so. She laughed with glee. Perfect. 

ASR left the lawyers office. He was seething with naked fury at the behavior of his lawyer. First, the lawyer could not stop laughing at ASR’s description of his dilemma that led to his marriage to Khushi. Then when the lawyer had calmed down and wiped his tears of laughter, he asked ASR what more could he do to help. ASR shared what he had on his mind. 

That's when the second round of peals of laughter began. In the midst of his laughter, the lawyer kept apologizing but really could not help himself. Finally, he saw the look on ASR’s face and composed himself. 

Lawyer – ASR, you know it’s impossible to draw a term limit on a marriage. You cannot form a marriage contract, its illegal.
ASR – You are the lawyer, figure it out. I want her out of the house in 6 months. Do whatever it takes.
Lawyer – Well, she has promised to leave, right? Then what’s the problem. Let 6 months pass then you can file for divorce. Just avoid her.
ASR – yeah, but these 6 months are going to be pure torture
Lawyer – Why?
ASR remained silent. A knowing smile crossed the lawyer’s lips and then the third round of laughter began. ASR kept quiet. Finally, when this round subsided…
Lawyer – I see, the mighty ASR wants to formulate a conjugal rights contract
ASR – Yeah, something like that
Lawyer – well, that can be arranged. It is within the boundaries of IPC marriage act. Let’s see, what do you want included? Once a week, once a month…
An impatient ASR interjected - "Twice every day".
The lawyers mouth hung open. 
Lawyer – Twice? Every day? Are you sure? No breaks?
ASR – That won’t be necessary. 
Lawyer closes his gaping mouth - “Ok, twice daily, every day for the next 6 months, anything else you want to add”
ASR – yes, she should be ready for different, ummm, you know, errrr.
Lawyer – Positions?
ASR – yes and locations
Lawyer – ASR, you know that won’t fly legally. You will have to work that out with her. I can only add the frequency of the act, I cannot add clauses about positions, level of satisfaction or even a guarantee of satisfaction.
ASR – Alright, alright, I get it. Can you fax them to me first thing today.
Lawyer – sure thing

ASR shook hands and exited the office. As he shut the door, he could hear guffaws of laughter from behind the door. He was furious at his lawyer’s audacity and made a mental note to take his future business elsewhere. 
Khushi walked into the room and found ASR sitting on the recliner hunched over his laptop. She set the glass of milk next to his laptop.

Khushi – Suniye, your milk. I will be sleeping in a few minutes, is there anything else you need?
ASR – Haan, yes, Sign these papers

He shoved the papers towards her face without lifting his eyes from the laptop. She took them tentatively and started reading through the contract. 

Contract
I, Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, wife of Arnav Singh Raizada, in sound mind and body, hereby agree to the following terms and conditions of marriage with my husband
1.       The undersigned agrees to engage in conjugal relationship with the co-signatory twice everyday. Once before the undersigned wakes up first thing in the morning and once before she goes to bed.
2.       The undersigned’s spouse can request consort at other times of the day as long as he has not used up his quota of two acts a day.
3.       In return for this agreement, Arnav Singh Raizada will sign the same affidavit confirming his involvement with the undersigned and guarantee that he will do his utmost to grant satisfaction to both parties involved.
4.       These terms and conditions apply only for the duration of the marriage, and should the parties divorce, the undersigned will have the right to refuse co-signatory.
SEAL OF LAWYER”S OFFICE
Rs 250 STAMP PAPER


Khushi’s eyes widened and she looked at ASR.
Khushi  - yeh kyah hai? What is this?
ASR – Contract
Khushi – what? Contract for making love?
ASR – yes, you said this morning right? You wanted it in the contract, so here it is.
Khushi – you are weird. I can’t sign this. This is not how it’s done. What about love?
ASR (now mad) – Listen, I don't have time for love. I want to keep things clean between us.
Khushi – then why do we need this contract?
ASR – because that way I can be sure that you won’t pull a fast one on me. 
Khushi was incensed. How could he think of such a ludicrous thing? A contract? For heavens sake!
ASR – here is the pen.
Khushi was so livid that she snatched the pen and signed the piece of paper and threw it on ASR’s face. He sat there with a short smile lurking behind his iron mask. She stomped off to the bathroom to change into her night clothes. ASR picked up the flying pieces of paper, neatly bound them and put it in his wardrobe next to the treasure box that housed some pearls, an earring and a couple of pompoms.
Khushi walked out of the bathroom with lighting speed and headed straight to poolside.
ASR – Khushi, you will sleep inside tonite.
Khushi – That's not in the contract.
ASR – No, but I don't want di to catch your cold. 
Khushi was in no mood to listen and kept her march to the pool. ASR had had it. 
He took two long strides and lifted her off her feet from behind, holding her firmly by her waist. Khushi screamed and kicked her fists and legs in the air trying to free herself. She reach behind with both her hands and took hold of two generous clumps of hair on either side of ASR’s head and pulled it with all her might. ASR’s head felt like the scalp might tear off of it. He kept walking inside the door and to have her release his hair; he clamped his teeth on curve of her bare neck and bit her hard. Khushi screamed in pain and let go of his hair. He dumped her on the bed and stood over her, hovering and snorting like a raging bull. Not to be outdone, Khushi sprung from the bed and lunged for his face. He quickly evaded her blow and took hold of both her wrists in his iron grip. She struggled hard to pull her hands free, in the midst of screams and the best Lucknowi curses rolling of her tongue with fury. 

She freed her legs and began kicking ASR in the general area below his navel. He jumped back a bit to avoid getting hit in his very private area and that snapped something inside him. With a renewed force and energy he pushed her back onto the bed with full might. She lost her balance and fell on her back with ASR’s full weight pinning her down motionless. Her hands were pinned down well above her head and she felt his thighs pinning hers down with all its strength. She continued to squirm and struggle, trying to move her hands and legs but in vain. He was too overpowering for her. She decided to scream. 
She let it out with all her gut straight into his ears. ASR’s ears rang for a second with the shrillness of her voice. 
ASR – you idiotic girl what the hell do you think you are doing. Stop struggling.
Khushi (still screaming) – Chodiya humain, let me go. I don't want to sleep here, I don't like your room. 
ASR lost his patience. He pressed his mouth over hers, covering and drowning out her screams, and deepened the kiss to squelch out any sounds welling inside her. She tried to scream but her sound died between their lips, her resolve weakened as his mouth prodded her lips open and his tongue sought permission to enter her. She parted her lips to scream harder when his tongue dived into her mouth without much ado. She felt a strange longing shoot from her navel, ending between her legs. Her body softened and gave in ever so slightly to the torture. She opened her mouth, yielding further and accepting his intrusion, his demand, his need. An involuntary moan escaped her throat. She was shocked at her own response and gazed at him to assess his response. His eyelids were heavily leaden, enjoying the sweet taste of her freshly tooth-brushed mouth. Mmmm, Vicco Vajradanti, he thought. His tongue became more insistent in its desire to invade and explore her mouth further. She felt his entire weight on her petite frame and for a moment welcomed the warmth and protection it offered against the elements, both indoors and outdoors. Her husband, he shield, her protection.

And then it happened. 

The Romance Novel/Upanyas scene flashed through her mind, rearing its sensuous head, reminding her of the running saga of the heroine’s ecstasy, the hero’s demanding love making and their complete abandon in the bedroom

She could not believe it. She could not believe that it was finally happening to her, just as she had read in the sleazy Hindi Romance Novel – Jaag Utha Insaan (The Awakened Man, Author -  Serialjunkie) that Payal and she had borrowed from Savitha, read and reread it over a 100 times, its pages starting to fray, splotched with watermarks as they both took turns to read it in the bathroom while the shower head ran idle to mask their misdeeds. This is how it all started in the novel and it did not end pretty. There was apparently a lot of physical exercise and strain involved. The book was skimpy on exact logistics but it said something about the "man delved into her velvety ocean". She hadn't the slightest clue how a fully grown man could delve himself into anything in her and what the heck was "the ocean", the velvety ocean blue kurti she wore? Oh! but this felt like heaven, much like paradise. And then she could feel his need.

Khushi was now a jangle of nerves, "No, no, I am supposed to seduce him."

At that thought, she took hold of her senses and clamped on his tongue with her teeth. A shocked ASR let her go with a yelp! Khushi pushed him off of her, ran over the mattress straight into the bathroom and shut the door. She panted, trying hard to catch her breath and clear her mind. ASR sat on the edge of the bed, still reeling at the sharp pain in his tongue, his thoughts muddled by her sudden attack. 

Khushi – this is not how it’s supposed to be!
ASR – Shit, Shit, Shit
Khushi – I was supposed to seduce him.
ASR – Shit, Shit Shit
Khushi – I was supposed to use the scorpion and get back into the bed.
ASR – Shit Shit Shit
Khushi – Devi Maiyya, what sort of joke are you playing on me?
ASR – Shit Shit Shit
Khushi – I will sit here in the bathroom, all night, if needed
ASR – Shit Shit Shit. 

And then it happened. 

INSERT POOL SCENE HERE. No? Ok I will do it for you. 
The pool scene flashed through his mind, once more rearing its sensual head, and reminding him of his running saga of constant arousal, the painful state of his body with the self-administered help, his solemn conjugal duty, heck, need as a husband and his desire to completely possess his wife.  

ASR headed over to the bathroom and as he raised his curled knuckles to knock on the door, Khushi yanked the door open. Both stood there expressionless, staring at each other.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Khushi's REVENGE - ASR's Seduction Day Four


Khushi needed to recover her clothes from the room. She was afraid she had pushed ASR over the edge this time, with her naughty note. As she walked out to the pool to gather her clothes that were drying on the clothesline, a strange idea struck her. The pool was only 3 feet deep but the water looked amazingly inviting. HP had just cleaned out the pool and refilled it with fresh water and there were rose petals thrown in as part of holi decor.

The stairs from the terrace leading to the pool was rarely used. Most members used the stairs from the main foyer to the terrace. The pool was also next to the living room on the first floor, with large windows, in plain view of everyone. And somehow, the pool also ended up attached to ASR’s room, which was on the second floor. And it had a balcony adjacent to it, which led to mamiji’s room, but mamiji’s room was on the mezzanine floor of the house. She marveled at RM architecture, all passageways led to the pool.

Khushi checked around the pool to ensure that no one was watching. She locked the room door, pulled the curtains over the large windows by the pool, and undressed completely. With her soft creamy toes, she tested the water temperature; it was deliciously cold and inviting. She descended into the pool and let out a satisfying sigh of relief, as she let her body submerge in the astringent cold water, keeping her face and neck just about the brimming surface. She pulled up her knees to her chest and made herself comfortable under the water. Rose petals separated where her knees jutted out of the water, revealing a creamy ivory contrast to the redness of the petals. A few petals floated about her, touching her around her beautiful body. She closed her eyes in relief.

ASR climbed down the stairs from the terrace. He reached the landing by the pool and saw khushi. His heart stopped. Was she trying to kill him? Why would she be so brazen as to sit in the pool, with not a stitch on? Didn’t she know that anyone from the terrace could walk in on her, or she didn’t care? She was caressing her own arms and legs as if soothing out all the pain of her recent past. Her sensuous, languid movements mesmerized him, causing a stir in him. For a brief moment, he felt proud to be her husband. She was beautiful. A work of art, made when, he was sure, the God's were happy, perhaps, after a post-coital glow of their heavenly pleasures. And they had not spared any details with her. She was picture perfect. 

He crouched closer to the pool, lowering himself on his knees, still mesmerized by the sight of his beautiful wife, sitting in her resplendent beauty, oblivious to his aroused eyes. He paddled some water gently towards her. The ripples separated the rose petals, revealing more of her. Her eyes flung open!


Khushi – You??!!
ASR – Yes, me
Khushi  - what are you doing here?
ASR (bemused) – In case you forgot, it’s still my room
Khushi  pulled her  knees closer, crossed her ankles in front of her and covered her bosom with her hands.  
Khushi – in case you forgot, the poolside is my room. So technically, you are invading my space.  Please leave so I can get dressed.
ASR – No, I wont

Khushi sat there in the pool, desperate to cover her bareness. ASR was riveted with barely concealed admiration. She considered her options and the shortest route to the bedroom. 
ASR - Kya hua? you thought you got me, didn't you.
Khushi - Turn your face. 
ASR - Nope. Now, do you plan to sit there all day?  
Khushi - Maybe, if thats what it takes. 

A few more minutes pass. Hazel eyes battled caramel ones, challenging,  confronting, facing up and fighting for control. Caramel eyes did a Mars Rover 1 & 2 at once, daring, probing the terrain, finding surprising little secrets, discovering unforeseen treasures and sending images and signals to his control center, which in ASR's case was also down south...in Houston, of course!


ASR - I am waiting.
Khushi – Suit yourself

With that she rose, turned her back to ASR and got out of the pool. Water drenched body shivered at the sudden onslaught of air giving her goose bumps, enhanced in no small measure by the knowledge that a pair of caramel eyes was inspecting every inch of her lovely back as it receded from the pool. She picked up a towel to drape around herself, when she felt a pair of strong arms hold her like a vice around her waist. She got roughly pulled against his chest, her ribs aching to set themselves free, her bottom pinned against strong muscular thighs and the small of her back feeling a strange hardness emanating from him.

Khushi – What are you doing?
ASR – Claiming my wife
Khushi – this is not part of the contract.

ASR felt like he was slapped. And then it happened.  

The terrace scene flashed through his mind, once more rearing its ugly head, and reminding him of his running saga of hurtful past, his solemn duty to his sister and his revenge on his BIL.


No No no, he thought. That's not what he had in mind. Everything about the terrace scene seemed wrong. 

Khushi was still encircled in his arms, her wet body completely drenching his pants and green t-shirt. She asked in a sultry voice
Khushi – Aap kya soch rahe hain? What are you thinking; I told you this was not part of the contract.
Unable to control his urge, ASR involuntarily nuzzled into the crook of her wet neck and exhaled her name – Khushiiiiii, pleeaaase
Khushi – Are you changing your mind about the terms and conditions of our marriage?

ASR felt like a helpless puppy, completely besotted by his wife’s breathtaking beauty and incredible body. He was a man of voracious needs, always had been. And he had a temptingly sweet nymph right here in his arms and he couldn’t think of doing anything better than sink himself in her and lose himself completely. The past three days had been sheer torture. All the self-help in the world did not take away his sore need for her. 

He had been to his shrink twice already and each time the shrink recommended he talk to khushi to clear the misunderstanding. Talk! Each time he tried, the terrace scene flashed through his mind, once more rearing its ugly head, and reminding him of his running saga of hurtful past, his solemn duty to his sister and his revenge on his BIL. 

He wanted to chew his BIL alive for destroying a beautiful vision he had begun to form of khushi before he saw her on the terrace with Shyam. Darn the terrace scene and darn the contract marriage!

Khushi – So? Do you want to amend the contract?
ASR – What do you want Khushi?
Khushi – I want to know if this will be included in the contract.
ASR – what will be?
Khushi – ummm, making love to me. 


ASR’s shocked hands loosened their grip on her waist. He hadn't expected such a brazen response from her. She found the perfect out to run into the room and shut the sliding door to the pools. She stuck her tongue out at ASR and disappeared into the bathroom.He spent a few moments recovering from this light headed feeling. He needed to get his arms around her, he needed her, he wanted her.

And then it happened, again. 

The pool scene flashed through his mind, once more rearing its sensual head, and reminding him of his running saga of constant arousal, the painful state of his body with the self-administered help, his solemn conjugal duty, heck, need as a husband and his desire to completely possess his wife.  

Where did this come from? What the! 

He decided it was time to create a contract and lay out the terms and conditions clearly. Conjugal rights would definitely fare very high on that list. If he were to operate for another 6 months with this minx in and about his personal space, he might as well seal the deal and get the clause added to a formal contract. 

To hell with the terrace scene, the pool scene was much better, he concluded.

ASR Destroyed my life - A Confession

Police arrested famous bank-robber and murderer, Baday ManSingh Jeerakum on charges of attacking Arnav Singh Raizada. Baday had tried to beat up ASR, as the latter was leaving from work. Fortunately, security guards caught hold of Baday in time and turned him over to the police. Police handled him well for three days, at which point Baday decided to sign his confession. Here is his confession. 

I have hold nothing personal against ASR but the dude is giving me a rotten complex. You see, my girlfriend's gotten into her thick skull that I got be her Arnav. She has gone completely bonkers and is driving me crazy with constant comparisons with ASR. ASR did this, ASR did that, he lifted her, he carried her, he threw her by the pool, he almost kissed her, he did something called Rabba-Ve, I have no freaking idea what this Rabba-Ve means! I know how to Rob-away banks. What is Rabba-Ve?

Its been going on for 6 months, this constant harp, on and on and on. The other day I return home from the bank robbery of my lifetime, loaded with goodies, and guess what, my girlfriend has the whole effing kitchen doused in oil fumes and sticky sugar syrup, making Jalebis like there is no tomorrow. I casually gobble down a few and ask her what the occasion is. Before I know, a rolling pin lands squarely on my head and I pass out for a good two hours. When I come into myself, with a nice bump to boot, I ask her again and she is screaming like a hysterial maniac
She - You fool, don't you see! I am upset and when I am upset I make jalebis. ASR knows when his girlfriend is upset, but of course that's ASR and you are a nitwit with peanut sized brain and you can't figure out I am upset!

I think, Holy crap, when did this happen? I mean this girl has been upset umpteen times before and usually a good romp between the sheets took care of it, but this was new to me! Jalebis? Who the eff figured jalebis meant your girlfriend's got a case of PMS and you better hold a large Thaali over your head in self-defense?


To console her, I ask her to come to our bedroom promising her a surprise gift from my latest raid. She is not impressed with the $10000 diamond and sapphire necklace I offer. I can't believe this!
She - Well its nice and all, but those cheap bangles from a street-side vendor would have been much better because that's what ASR gifted khushi.

Whoa! So you gut a man's pride and compare his "gift" to another man's "gift"? I say its unfair. I get pretty darn mad at her and tell her that I will be sleeping on the living room couch. She is now more furious at me, and gives me this incredulous look. 

She - Aren't you going to send me to the poolside?
I am now seriously confused and I ask her why should I? She hollers and wails at the top of her lungs, and stomps out to the pool to sleep there. I am scratching my head and thinking who sleeps by the pool? The water smells bad and the raccoons aren't kind to you at night, my word!!

A few days later things get worse. We were getting dressed for a party and she wears a nice saree. Now I am in full attention and want her. But she is acting all coy and school-girlish and suddenly, her bosom starts heaving furiously, her lips part and her eyes glaze over, and I figure she is having a heart attack.
Me - Baby! Baby! Are you ok? Should I call the doctor?

She stops heaving and gives me a disgusted look

She - That's called Dhak Dhak you bozo. Its the ASR-effect. Don't you know?
Me - Honey, but this does not seem normal. Are you sure you are ok?

She gives me once over and snaps at me

She - Why aren't you wearing those silver metallic greys and vest I bought you.
Me, (a bit surprised at the change of conversation) - Oh, that is a bit tight around my waist. (I laugh nervously and add) I gotta start working out.
She snaps again -  Of course you do, just look at you. Your waist is 5 inches too big and your stubble is pathetic, they look like a sparse smattering of cacti in the Arizonan desert. 
Me - Do you want me to get rid of it?
She - No, don't bother, it will take you forever to find a single good stubble on your chin
She sounds exasperated and exhales out in resignation - And God knows why I bought you the entire pack of hair gels. 

I feel guilty and run my hands over my quickly balding George Castanza head. 

She seems calmers and pouts - You will never look like ASR's dark thick stubbly whiskers and hair full of  gel.
I feel more guilty and quickly think of making that hair transplant appointment with Dr. Baldwins office because I liked their tag line - come today and win over baldness with Dr. Baldwin! Then she giggles and twirls and does a Elaine in Seinfeld dance. I am starting to worry about her. 

That is not the end. A few days later, I get back home after a double murder and am washing my hands when my phone rings. I see my girlfriend's number blink and I answer.
She is screaming on top of her voice - Aren't you going to come and find me?
Me - Really? When did I lose you baby? 

She is now beyond hysterical. 

She - You SOB! Don't you miss me at home? I've been sitting here for freaking 5 hours on the biting cold hard floor of this Mandir, waiting for you to come and find me and you frigging loser! You didn't even miss me?
Me - Honey, honey, wait, I had work to do and I will come and get you, which Mandir?

Wrong question. She is now full throttle screaming into my ears and I have to hold the phone a good 12 inches away.

She - Did you JUST ASK ME WHICH MANDIR, WHICH MANDIR?? YOU GO FIGURE OUT WHICH MANDIR, ASR DID!! YOU LOSER!!             
Now, I know my baby loved to do her puja's but I had freaking no idea which mandir she visited. A few phone calls to her friends later, I land at the temple. I ask her to come along and she starts frantically pulling my shirt collar and jacket lapel.
She - Aren't ya gonna carry me to the car?
She is a 200 lbs babe because I like my women big, and there are at least 100 steps down to the parking lot, and I ain't exactly bulging with muscles. I hesitate. 

She - Oh I see, i forgot (snickers) you have a soft underbelly and jiggle where muscles should be. Have you even seen ASR's muscles? 

I look at her goo-goo eyed face and the instant realization hits me. I gotta take care of this soon. ASR has effectively destroyed my love life. If this man does not effing stop whatever the heck that he does to women's brains and bodies every night at 8pm for a full half hour, it will destroy manhood as we know it. It was self preservation. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

ASR's Business Partner Commits Suicide

ASR's london business partner killed himself in his hotel room in New Delhi, a suicide note was found next to his body. Here are the contents of that note.
To whom it may concern
I am taking my life out of my own volition and do not hold anyone responsible for my death. Well, perhaps with the exception of one person, but I am not sure this accusation will fly.
The economic downturn of 2008/2009 put a serious dent in my clothing business in London.  I was excited at the prospect of finding a business partner in Mr. ASR to grow my business. However, around February 2012, things started going downright crazy. That's when I decided to make that trip to New Delhi and meet Mr. ASR in person. I gathered the best of my team and although, the air fare was a stretch on my already slim budget, I was happy making this trip to seal the deal with ASR.
We landed in Delhi in the early hours of the day. I didn't want to waste any time and headed straight to AR office. We were greeted by a smartly dressed secretary. The office complex seemed impressive and I was happy to see a well appointed and well endowed secretary. Cutie-patootie! Perhaps, when the deal was all said and done, I could shag her before I left for London. That would be a nice cherry on the pie.
The cutie-patootie led us in. I stepped into a puddle of water and wondered if all buildings in India leaked. What greeted me next cannot be described in words. I see a completely drenched man standing with a blaring red bucket in his hand. Beside him stood a slim and sexy beauty in a clingy but a bit outdated saree holding a matching red pitcher. She looked cute. Perhaps, I will try my luck at shagging her too before I leave. Then the cutie-patootie introduced the man with the bucket as The Mr. ASR.  I was flabbergasted
A man engaged in a public brawl with his wife. Buckets and Pitchers. I was transported to my chawl days in Mumbai when my mom and neighborhood aunties fought over queues to the single water pipe in the neighborhood, throwing buckets, brooms, water and chappals at each other. A memory I thought I had quelled a long ago.
Later, Mr. ASR did not show up for the meeting. Many more days passed and I waited patiently for his office to call and confirm a meeting with him. His affable but ineffective brother attended to our needs but he seemed unsure and indecisive without his brother. Dejected, I went back to my hotel and decided to dine in their fine restaurant. The table next me to me was making such a ruckus that I complained to the manager.
Before I knew, some celebrity called Saif Ali Khan was at my throat. Cutie-Patootie girlfriend called Kareena was goading him to beat the shit out of me. What the hell! I was man-handled and brushed up by these celebrities who were offended that I had complained about their noise level to the manager. This is what I needed at the end of a long, disappointing stay. Now they've filed an FIR against me.
Great, I didn't get the deal, I didn't get to shag the cutie-patootie and I got roughed up by a celebrity and made headline news, all in the span of a week. Meanwhile, my business flounders and it's unclear when Mr. ASR will be back to his normal self.
-----------LOL Thanks to Gitika from India Forums for the following addition LOL---------------
After being distraught by the no show of Mr.Raizada i decided to visit his house as a last resort.I couldn't behold my wits, because a lady, perhaps a distant cousin of Mr. Bappi Lahri, greeted me with a hello hi and went on to shun me by adding a bye bye to it.
As she spoke there were crows hovering above my head.I thought i was at the wrong house, i turned around only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a goat.It chased me inside to the living room.
I ran in and bumped into this stunning lady whose see through saree gave me the shag without any effort of my own.She smiled and a thousand fuses went off in my head. I was in love, this was it.To my surprise she had tears in her eyes cos i accidently dropped her silver plate with flowers,red powder and a little candle (maybe a lamp).
Suddenly a man came running behind her, hugged her and said are you ok rani sahiba.
I couldn't take this any more and ran back to my hotel room, only to be heartbroken 
The journey to the hotel was one of the longest trips i had to make BECAUSE

the living room scene kept flashing through my mind, rearing its ugly head, and reminding me of the running saga of the hurtful past few days , my soul mate the teary eyed lady and my revenge on the guy that hugged her.

I DECIDED TO END MY LIFE AT THIS POINT.
---------LOL end Gitika addition LOL--------------------------------------------

I have a few confessions before I die
To Mr. Raizada - You got a f****ng beautiful wife, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM DUDE? Go shag her and release that built up tension!!!
To my wife - You really are an ugly shrew. And about that French maid? It is true. And don't think I didn't know about you and the driver.
To my son - You have no inheritance. If money becomes tight, sell your Porsche and designer shoes to feed yourself.
To my daughter - I am sorry dear you will have to ruin your manicure and miss your hairdresser appointments, learn to earn an honest penny
To my secretary - Honey, you were the best of them all. Thanks for all the good times.