Memo to ASR from Human Resources - WARNING!!!

Dear Mr. Raizada

This letter is to inform you that there are serious "Ghotalas" happening at your residence as we speak. In light of these recent events, my company, The Godforsaken Fans Limited has decided to notify you to bring these blatant conducts of misappropriations and improprieties by members of your household to your attention.

Our HR has decided to send your entire family to political sensitivity and productivity training classes, in order to improve the overall efficiency of your home force.

Your brother Akash has built castles in the air of becoming a Papa. He does not know what it takes to make babies and still thinks hugging brings the stork home. We are disappointed at his incompetence in this field and wish to send him to a workshop held on our campus called, "The Kamasutra Putra", for those who want to apply kamasutra for a putra (ie. a son)

Your future SIL, Payal, is haunted by the ghosts of her past. She doesn't find any humor or does not seem to relax enough to enjoy her upcoming nuptials. For her, we recommend a special one week retreat to Camp Free Love, where she will be kept so busy, she wont have the time to think of the ghosts of her past.

Your sister, the theist Anjali suffers from serious addiction to her husband. This is impeding her judgment and ability to function. Our counselors suggest she be sent to "Pooja, Paath Aur Pathi, Vagayra Vagayra etc etc" Detox center. A good dose of enema and a strong potion of diuretic mixed with diaphoretic agent will divest her of her devotion.

Your brother-in-law, Shyam suffers from sex addiction. This is impeding his judgment and ability to think straight. Our counselors suggest he be sent to "Camp Bubba on Viagra". Here, he will be fully treated by Bubba overdosed on this magic blue pill. Shyam will be put to work in good company of other able men. A good week after this, any remote longing left in his loins will be long lost.

Your Mamiji is has a potent case of Ghati-Complex. In this condition, the person affected feels he/she is superior to others in every way, when the reality is that they go to lengths to insult and humiliate others just to hide their gaping flaws. Our HR said retaining this relative in your employment is creating a toxic atmosphere for everyone and she should be put on notice with immediate effect. A last ditch remedial action could be to tie the hag down and throw her into the pit dug exclusively for Laxmi's morning use. Although this action might offend Laxmi, we are willing to negotiate this with her. 


Your future father in law, Baabuji was tested by our special HR officer Awesome.Sauce and she noted that he is too dependent on his team and suffers from unprovoked episodes of spasm and jerks. She recommends "Seizure Academy" to help him be an independent team player. Buaji was tested too and it was found that she has a bad habit setting dates for young people. In fact, her last attempt almost prompted illegal activity such as bigamy. HR recommends she immediately read the manual on "Matchmakers from Hell" and understand the rules and regulations in place at your residence. Garima needs to work on her low self-esteem, which brings down the morale of everyone around her. We would like to have her read "7 habits of effective people" by Steve Covey, so she can start putting herself to effective use for her daughters.
 
Your future wife, Khushi, suffers from an acute case of "Do-Good-Do-Doodoo". In other words, her good deeds never go unpunished. See the recent case of hiding your BIL's truth and the amount of shit that she got herself into. For her, we recommend you book a hotel room for one full week and spend the entire week with her in that room, treating her. I've recommended this in the past and repeat this recommendation since its time tested and true. You both need to get on with it. Room service and hotel charges are on us.

With that sir, we wind up our appeal for your attention and hope you will take charge of the situation, think on your feet and not revert back to your old ways of ASR, which we had to work on 8 freaking months, otherwise, HR will be compelled to send you to sensitivity training too and you will be forced to attend "Camp-Do Khushi Kumari Gupta but you can't touch her". We sincerely hope it does not come to that.

Sincerely
Serial Junkie
VP Human Resources (HR)
The Godforsaken Fan Ltd.