Dear Lalit
I am your Facebook page.
I've been meaning to write to you for so long, yet haven't been able to
do so because my department is so freaking busy. I am writing this
letter to air my grievances and seek your attention and help in
resolving the issues faced by my department.
Ever since you
opened your account with us, our work load has quadrupled with no end in
sight. My team has to handle truckloads of comments, complaints,
brickbats, accolades, rotten eggs, rotten tomatoes and what not every
day.
By Jove, I am by far the most busy page in the history of Facebook pages. Just the other day, Mr. Wall was complaining to me that he got a herniated disc under the burden of sheer number of comments written on his back. The Photo Album was
seething in fury that some odd sepia infused yellow photograph was
causing such a furor in his section that he had to hire extra help to
clean the environmental toxic waste due to excessive estrogen spill and
wild speculations. His entire team is yellow without oxygen buried in
the sea of estrogen-induced toxicity.
The Info section
was not happy, no less. She said, you wrote something obscure that you
are not Lalit Mohan for real but then for real you are, or real Lalit
Mohan will say that you are not or that you are not Lalit Mohan in
reality but reality sucks or some such nonsense, i forget exactly. What
the!! Please change that Lalit because transparency, honesty and
interactivity define the age of social media.
We don't mind the
love, and the fun comments but those barbs really hurt *ouch*. Some
comments are so over the top and badly written that I want to buy every
fan of yours an Oxford Dictionary pronto with ARHI's Married
picture printed on the front and Devi Mayya's picture on the back. I
think it will make a great collectible item, think about it. Some post
are so nasty and downright rotten they stink like crazy. Some are gooey,
dripping with Jalebi sugary syrup that i want to gag at the sheer
bullshit of praise they write.
The Status/What's on your mind
department hardly gets any work, its unfair. That group is woken once
or twice a week if that, when your highness feels the urge to throw some
bits to the fans. Now, Lalit, don't be such a miser with words, your
fans want to hear from you, put that Status department to work. The
Likes button is very happy in all this because he gets touched, caressed
and loved every day by the ever growing legion of fans that you are
collecting.
Please take the time to warn me before sh*tty
episodes or hot-promos, so I can hire extra pair of helping hands to
manage the onslaught of traffic. Just today, I got so many rotten
tomatoes and eggs that I had to use the entire year's supply of Windex
to clean my face!
I need a raise, a promotion and a transfer to
another less busy serial director. Somethings gotta give or I will die
with sheer exhaustion. Hope you will give me the much needed TLC to
recover, recuperate and re-energize. Please don't ignore me for long
periods of time, it makes me cranky, crabby and want to hit somebody with a baseball bat. Yeah, I can totally see why some employees go postal.
With best posts ever
Yours truly Facebook Page
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