ASR Destroyed my life - A Confession

Police arrested famous bank-robber and murderer, Baday ManSingh Jeerakum on charges of attacking Arnav Singh Raizada. Baday had tried to beat up ASR, as the latter was leaving from work. Fortunately, security guards caught hold of Baday in time and turned him over to the police. Police handled him well for three days, at which point Baday decided to sign his confession. Here is his confession. 

I have hold nothing personal against ASR but the dude is giving me a rotten complex. You see, my girlfriend's gotten into her thick skull that I got be her Arnav. She has gone completely bonkers and is driving me crazy with constant comparisons with ASR. ASR did this, ASR did that, he lifted her, he carried her, he threw her by the pool, he almost kissed her, he did something called Rabba-Ve, I have no freaking idea what this Rabba-Ve means! I know how to Rob-away banks. What is Rabba-Ve?

Its been going on for 6 months, this constant harp, on and on and on. The other day I return home from the bank robbery of my lifetime, loaded with goodies, and guess what, my girlfriend has the whole effing kitchen doused in oil fumes and sticky sugar syrup, making Jalebis like there is no tomorrow. I casually gobble down a few and ask her what the occasion is. Before I know, a rolling pin lands squarely on my head and I pass out for a good two hours. When I come into myself, with a nice bump to boot, I ask her again and she is screaming like a hysterial maniac
She - You fool, don't you see! I am upset and when I am upset I make jalebis. ASR knows when his girlfriend is upset, but of course that's ASR and you are a nitwit with peanut sized brain and you can't figure out I am upset!

I think, Holy crap, when did this happen? I mean this girl has been upset umpteen times before and usually a good romp between the sheets took care of it, but this was new to me! Jalebis? Who the eff figured jalebis meant your girlfriend's got a case of PMS and you better hold a large Thaali over your head in self-defense?


To console her, I ask her to come to our bedroom promising her a surprise gift from my latest raid. She is not impressed with the $10000 diamond and sapphire necklace I offer. I can't believe this!
She - Well its nice and all, but those cheap bangles from a street-side vendor would have been much better because that's what ASR gifted khushi.

Whoa! So you gut a man's pride and compare his "gift" to another man's "gift"? I say its unfair. I get pretty darn mad at her and tell her that I will be sleeping on the living room couch. She is now more furious at me, and gives me this incredulous look. 

She - Aren't you going to send me to the poolside?
I am now seriously confused and I ask her why should I? She hollers and wails at the top of her lungs, and stomps out to the pool to sleep there. I am scratching my head and thinking who sleeps by the pool? The water smells bad and the raccoons aren't kind to you at night, my word!!

A few days later things get worse. We were getting dressed for a party and she wears a nice saree. Now I am in full attention and want her. But she is acting all coy and school-girlish and suddenly, her bosom starts heaving furiously, her lips part and her eyes glaze over, and I figure she is having a heart attack.
Me - Baby! Baby! Are you ok? Should I call the doctor?

She stops heaving and gives me a disgusted look

She - That's called Dhak Dhak you bozo. Its the ASR-effect. Don't you know?
Me - Honey, but this does not seem normal. Are you sure you are ok?

She gives me once over and snaps at me

She - Why aren't you wearing those silver metallic greys and vest I bought you.
Me, (a bit surprised at the change of conversation) - Oh, that is a bit tight around my waist. (I laugh nervously and add) I gotta start working out.
She snaps again -  Of course you do, just look at you. Your waist is 5 inches too big and your stubble is pathetic, they look like a sparse smattering of cacti in the Arizonan desert. 
Me - Do you want me to get rid of it?
She - No, don't bother, it will take you forever to find a single good stubble on your chin
She sounds exasperated and exhales out in resignation - And God knows why I bought you the entire pack of hair gels. 

I feel guilty and run my hands over my quickly balding George Castanza head. 

She seems calmers and pouts - You will never look like ASR's dark thick stubbly whiskers and hair full of  gel.
I feel more guilty and quickly think of making that hair transplant appointment with Dr. Baldwins office because I liked their tag line - come today and win over baldness with Dr. Baldwin! Then she giggles and twirls and does a Elaine in Seinfeld dance. I am starting to worry about her. 

That is not the end. A few days later, I get back home after a double murder and am washing my hands when my phone rings. I see my girlfriend's number blink and I answer.
She is screaming on top of her voice - Aren't you going to come and find me?
Me - Really? When did I lose you baby? 

She is now beyond hysterical. 

She - You SOB! Don't you miss me at home? I've been sitting here for freaking 5 hours on the biting cold hard floor of this Mandir, waiting for you to come and find me and you frigging loser! You didn't even miss me?
Me - Honey, honey, wait, I had work to do and I will come and get you, which Mandir?

Wrong question. She is now full throttle screaming into my ears and I have to hold the phone a good 12 inches away.

She - Did you JUST ASK ME WHICH MANDIR, WHICH MANDIR?? YOU GO FIGURE OUT WHICH MANDIR, ASR DID!! YOU LOSER!!             
Now, I know my baby loved to do her puja's but I had freaking no idea which mandir she visited. A few phone calls to her friends later, I land at the temple. I ask her to come along and she starts frantically pulling my shirt collar and jacket lapel.
She - Aren't ya gonna carry me to the car?
She is a 200 lbs babe because I like my women big, and there are at least 100 steps down to the parking lot, and I ain't exactly bulging with muscles. I hesitate. 

She - Oh I see, i forgot (snickers) you have a soft underbelly and jiggle where muscles should be. Have you even seen ASR's muscles? 

I look at her goo-goo eyed face and the instant realization hits me. I gotta take care of this soon. ASR has effectively destroyed my love life. If this man does not effing stop whatever the heck that he does to women's brains and bodies every night at 8pm for a full half hour, it will destroy manhood as we know it. It was self preservation. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.